Kink & Plurality Primer

Kink and sex generally are both topics that can be difficult to navigate as a plural. Hopefully, this article can be helpful in outlining ways to create risk profiles, navigate conflicting risk profiles, negotiate with play partners, and handle intra-system .

What is Kink and BDSM?
Risk Profiles
- What Goes Into a Risk Profile?
- Plural-Specific Considerations
Negotiating and Engaging with Kinks While Plural
- Little and Ageslider System Members
References

What is Kink and BDSM?

If you’re already familiar with BDSM and its basic foundations, feel free to skip ahead.

BDSM stands for:

Bondage and discipline
Dominance and submission
Sadism and masochism

Not all kinks fall under BDSM, though it is one of the most well-known kink subcommunities. Kinks are defined by Merriam-Webster as unconventional sexual tastes or behaviors, but it should be noted that the kink community itself has embraced nonsexual kink for a long time, too. Nonsexual kinks are harder to define; they’re about sensuality, intimacy, and/or mental satisfaction rather than having sex, but there is no concrete line on what is or isn’t a nonsexual kink.

While there are a lot of stereotypes about kinksters, kinky people can “look” a lot of different ways, including being plural. Within a plural system, each member might have different preferences (which can also lead to conflict externally or internally).

There are some foundational topics every kinkster should know. This includes but is not limited to: safety and consent modalities, negotiating, scene-structuring, check-in/safewording systems, and aftercare. For kinky systems, even system members that will never voluntarily participate in kink should know about safewording and consent as a safety precaution in case they switch in during a

Even for nonsexual kinks, consent is just as important as it is for engaging in sexual acts. It is similar to giving a hug, something that is not inherently sexual but still needs to follow the other’s boundaries. FRIES is an acronym coined by Planned Parenthood(1) to summarize what consent is:

Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic
Specific

Freely given consent means there is no pressure on saying yes. There must be no coercion, everyone involved should be conscious and free from the influence of drugs or alcohol, and should be over the age of consent. Coercion refers to persuading someone via force or threats, but also includes pressuring someone via guilt-tripping or similar manipulative tactics.

Reversible means the consent can be taken away at any point for any reason, including mid-scene. This also acknowledges that a past “yes” does not equal a future “yes”. With systems, it also means one system member saying “yes” does not automatically mean all system members are.

Informed consent looks like all parties being knowledgeable on the acts they are consenting to. For example, this can include the use of protection. If it is agreed a condom is to be used, and then a condom isn’t used, that is a breach of consent. For a kink like bondage, all parties should be aware of the risks and know the warning signs the scene could go wrong. It is recommended that not only do you talk to your partner but that you also do your own research by yourself.

Enthusiastic is trickier to use as an umbrella. The definition of “you should only do what you want to do” is the most basic version, but for some people “enthusiastic” doesn’t feel like the right word.

For sex workers, they may not be super excited to have sex with a client, but they are still aware of what they’re consenting to and want to go through with the work they’re doing without feeling forced. Some people might also not be interested in having sex but will do so with a partner because they enjoy pleasuring their partner. There also might be kinks you personally do not share with your partner, but because it makes them happy you’re happy to do them. It can be similar to watching a T.V. show you don’t care for but your partner likes.

With that said, you should never do something you don’t want to do. You should never do something that is expected of you for the sake of the expectation. You should engage only as you are comfortable to do so. Some systems may have system members who struggle with people pleasing, perhaps especially so in regards to sexuality. It may be helpful to pair a system member with them who can check in with them and make sure they do not feel any pressure (internally or externally) to say yes.

Specific acts should be yes’d/no’d. A “yes” to sex does not outline what acts are or are not okay, so it is important to look for consent for each component of sex. This can look like body language (such as putting your hands on your partner's pants and then looking at their face for a nod) or outright asking. Because body language can be ambiguous to interpret, an emphasis on negotiation is a huge part of kink culture, as well as having safewords (more on that later).

Negotiation refers to a (usually pre-scene) conversation outline of what is or isn’t okay. You and your partner(s) might have a general conversation about your preferences (“I like petplay”) and limits, which are often divided into hard or soft limits.

A hard limit means never ever, while a soft limit means you might be open to it within certain conditions/scenarios. For example, anal play might be someone’s soft limit, but they’re open to using tail plugs during otherwise nonsexual play. Or someone might have the soft limit of no anal play unless it’s with the right partner. It’s important to clarify what “soft limit” means for yourself and your partner(s) and respect their boundaries.

There are several acronyms used as jumping points for people to consider their personal views on safety.

SSC is potentially the most common one thrown around, as well as the oldest. It stands for safe, sane (being free of influence from drugs or alcohol and otherwise sound of mind), and consensual. There is also RACK and PRICK that were coined in response to SSC. RACK, or risk-aware consensual kink, puts an emphasis on being aware of the risks associated with a kink rather than promoting “safe” kink. A lot of kinks thought of as “safe” have risks, such as bondage (there’s a risk for nerve damage if done improperly, so it’s important the rope bottom and top know the warning signs). PRICK, or personal responsibility, informed, and consensual kink, pushes the idea that everyone is responsible for their own actions and researching a kink’s potential risks.

Safewording

Safewords are signals to pause or stop a scene. By default, “wait”, “no”, and “stop” are safewords, unless otherwise specified (such as in a scene, where a new word will be the safeword and “no”/”stop” can be “for fun” words). A safeword can be nonverbal, such as tapping your partner’s hand. Having a nonverbal safeword is a good safety net, even if you don’t plan on using gags or anything that’d block someone from speaking, just in case a partner goes nonverbal. Sometimes some of our alters go nonverbal when in subspace, even though otherwise they do not go nonverbal generally.

A common safeword system is the stop light system. Green means “go!”, yellow means “pause” or “check-in” (it’s important to specify which in negotiations), and red is full stop, going straight to aftercare.

Aftercare

Aftercare is a way to cool off after kink and/or sex to ground yourself and your partner(s), as well as care for both of your mental and physical well-being.

Aftercare often includes:

Affection, even between non-romantic partners
Words of affirmation, especially if the scene involved degradation
Refueling with a water and/or snack/meal
A discussion of what was good or not good, what to change going forward and what to keep, and addressing any feelings that came up

However, what’s needed can look very different from person to person. Ask your play partner what they like for aftercare. Some people actually dislike receiving aftercare (and that’s okay), but if one partner needs/wants to receive it, it’s still possible to do one-way aftercare.

Sub-drop and Dom-drop are lows that can happen after kink. These lows are often mental and physical in nature, and typically occur after intense scenes and/or when there isn’t enough aftercare. It can happen days after a scene takes place, so it’s important to manage emotional vulnerabilities after a scene as your mind and body cool off. It is important to remember that Doms often need aftercare too, especially after scenes of degradation or sadomasochism where they might feel guilty.

Having an aftercare plan that can be done with each partner and solo is necessary for a lot of people. Some do just fine without aftercare, but if you’re new to BDSM, or have system members that can be sensitive to mood changes, having these plans in place adds a level of safety. If your partner(s) are unavailable (such as if a sub-drop/Dom-drop happens the day after while they’re at work or something similar), having something you can do as a system is helpful. Many people who need aftercare benefit from affection, so the buddy system may be a great idea, as well as coming up with a list of soothing activities tailored to system members who engage in kink.

Risk Profiles

Risk profiles are used in the context of financial investments as a scale of “aggressive” (taking big risks for the possibility of bigger long-term reward) to “moderate” to “conservative” (taking less risks to favor the promise of keeping your money safer rather than going after higher rewards).(2) A risk profile in a kink context is a way to determine your willingness to engage in risky activities. Creating one can inform your soft and hard limits, and the process of creation will help you become more informed in the kink you participate in and increase your safety. Your play partner(s) will be able to plan around your boundaries more effectively, and you will have a better grasp on how to vet potential play partners.(3)

As a plural, it can become more complicated. One system member might have a kink that triggers another system member, or maybe one system member wants to engage in unprotected sex and the rest of the system is against it. It might also be difficult to communicate with play partners what your limits and preferences are if you're plural. It is important to have on-going system-wide dialog during your journey with kink.

What Goes Into a Risk Profile?

Risk profiles provide additional information and understanding behind your limits. While creating your risk profile, don’t just focus on physical risks. You should also think about legality, social consequences, potential distraction from responsibilities, personal values and triggers, past experiences, any medical conditions, and your thoughts/feelings on the risks. For each activity, brainstorm the potential risks and rank each risk by acceptability (as is, as is with some safety measures, or completely unacceptable). It is also helpful to mark on a scale of 1 to 10 how likely it is to happen.(2)(4)

To start, you may find it easiest to make a list of things in your life that you never want to lose. Functions of your body are one example, but your career, hobbies, relationships, values, contraceptive plans, pets, and/or travel are all other things to consider.(2)(3)

What do you need to maintain these things? For example, I live with my family and would prefer that they not know about the details of my sex life. This means no marks in places that’d be hard to hide (face, neck, lower arms and hands) from them. Body writing—assuming the medium is easy to wash off—would be very low risk socially to use here, so I might find it acceptable on a case by case basis. Knifeplay on the other hand would be high risk socially, as cuts take time to heal and my family might make inferences from seeing them, which is unacceptable to me. Knifeplay might still be on the table for me if only done in certain places of my body, as that is within my acceptable risk threshold.

What can you do to avoid the worst case scenario, and what can be done if the worst case scenario happens?(3) If an activity interests you, but the risks intimidate you or turn you off entirely, it can be worthwhile to brainstorm ways to mitigate possible risk. Is there any way to lower the likelihood of something bad happening, and/or a way to make the potential consequences less uncomfortable?

Plural-Specific Considerations

For some systems, it might be possible to have a meeting where each system member with an opinion can attend and work on the system’s risk profile together. Or, a system might have individual members create their profiles and then have a discussion afterwards. Polyfragmented systems might find it easier to have small groups work together and designate one member per group to go to a system meeting together.

It is really important to validate one another. Feelings are always valid, even if they do not fit the facts, so if a system member is uncomfortable with a kink do not bulldoze their feelings. With that said, kink-shaming is also unacceptable. Making a system member feel bad for having a kink can make them trust the system less and potentially less likely to work with the system.

It also is worthwhile to understand the difference between a feeling of “that makes me feel icky” and “this breaks my values or triggers me”. The first may be easier to compromise with, the second will prove to be more work to overcome if the system chooses to try. Things to consider include:

Does the system member against the kink understand the other member’s feelings and thoughts behind the kink?
Can the system member separate themself from the member who wants to engage in the kink?
Does it upset the system member to think of the body they inhabit engaging in the kink?
Would letting the system member engage in the kink harm the ability to communicate with the system?
Would letting the system member engage in the kink put other system members in a dangerous place mentally?
Are there specific consequences a system member is worried about? How likely are they? Can they be mitigated?

It could also be helpful to have system members rank things they want to keep safe on a scale of 1 to 10. For example, say a member ranks career safety at a ten but public embarrassment as a 5, it might be easier for other system members to identify places compromises might be had and where they shouldn’t push at all.

Anything that can be life-altering should be agreed upon by the whole system (such as use of contraception—even if one system member wants to have unprotected sex, if the rest want to use condoms it should be respected by everyone).

Negotiating and Engaging with Kinks While Plural

After you’ve established what is or isn’t okay within your system you can move onto communicating with out-of-system play partners. If you can find plural-affirming play partners, that can make it a lot easier if you have shifting boundaries from system member to system member. If not, you may still be able to work around that. You could explain things as “it depends on my mood” and list anything subject to change as soft limits. You will need to have clear communication with your play partners before scenes about what is okay for that moment.

One way of doing this could be wearing bracelets to indicate certain kinks being okay. An option like this allows more spur of the moment kink without needing to pause and ask, but the expectations must be clearly laid out. You should also be prepared to safeword should a switch happen, and it might be helpful to have some sort of script of what to say. You do not owe someone an explanation on why you’re safewording, but you do need to be able to state the boundary change. A reason a script might be helpful is because you can think through how to say this in a way that doesn’t make the system member with the kink feel bad, or the partner(s).

With plural-affirming partners, we personally have made lists of kinks (in various forms over the years) that showcase an alter’s limits and preferences, as well as the pronouns and language they like in reference to themself. It’s still important to talk through everything you intend to act on with a partner, but having this cheatsheet can help your partner (and other system members) remember where everyone stands.

Journaling after every scene as a part of aftercare can be a great way to track comfort and how kink affects system members, especially if your system struggles with amnesia. Having protectors or caretakers monitor these journal entries might be beneficial to some systems if they want to check in with a system member (we’ve done this before with littlex alters).

Little and Ageslider System Members

This topic can be very controversial in the plural community, and may be uncomfortable to some to read. For that reason, I have placed it at the bottom of the page and it is the last section.

Little system members are sometimes thought of as 1:1 with biological children in mental and emotional capacities. This is true for a lot of littles, and agesliders who have slid down, but not all. There are plenty of littles and agesliders who are capable of emotional maturity and mental reasoning that a biological child would never even be able to attempt—assuming their brain is an adult. Brain age is the basis of legality, and the foundation for the ability to consent, though there are obviously more factors depending on the person.

We personally allow our littles to be kinky or engage with sex depending on if they can understand the concept and if we are sure they know how to say “no” in addition to being able to say “yes”. Our littles are either paired with an alter who can monitor them 24/7 when they’re out, or an alter who checks in on them, depending on the little. Some of our littles are triggered by sex and/or do not really understand how to set boundaries, so they are kept away from the front during adult activities and we ask friends to keep things PG when they're fronting.

Again, I want to emphasise that it is the combination of the brain’s age and the little’s capabilities if they can consent. On the flip side, an adult system member in a minor’s body cannot consent as if they were the system member’s age. The brain’s age makes a huge difference in the maximum potential emotional and reasoning skill. Life experience also factors in—if a little system member is in an adult body, their brain has more years of experience to draw from and compare to.

Many systems with sexual related trauma (especially from childhood) may find themselves with littles who like to be sexual. There is nothing wrong with this, even if you determine you’d rather keep those littles away from sex! Additionally, many littles may like nonsexual kink, such as Caregiver/little D/s dynamics or petplay. These kinks are not inherently driven or inclusive of sex, and can be “play pretend” only. Regardless of sexual or not, it is still important to make sure your littles understand what kink is, safewording, aftercare, how to state boundaries, etc.

References

Please note Plurality for Dummies does not necessarily endorse all the of the following sources as a whole, and warns that triggering content may be found within the sources.

What Is Sexual Consent? | Facts About Rape & Sexual Assault [Internet]. [cited 2024 Sep 11]. Available from: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
Anatomie Studio. 2023 [cited 2024 Sep 22]. Risk and Reward: Do you know your kinky risk profile? Available from: https://anatomiestudio.com/2023/04/28/risk-and-reward-do-you-know-your-kinky-risk-profile/
Playing at Your Own Risk: Creating a BDSM Risk Profile [Internet]. Bound Together. 2019 [cited 2024 Sep 22]. Available from: https://bound-together.net/creating-a-risk-profile/
Knowing Your Limits: Risk Profiles [Internet]. |X|C|BDSM|. 2014 [cited 2024 Sep 22]. Available from: https://xcbdsm.com/educational-offerings/handouts-and-resources/riskprofiles/